[原创]《牡丹开了》《牡丹开了》牡丹开了，多久的故事那城脚印重叠多久远的故事啊那一株在行吟吗？花开花落多正常的事情你走了花间独坐多美的梦镜快点我就要等不及了云雀飞 ...口-新诗≡ 文学选稿区 ≡东方旅游文化网 - Powered by Discuz! Archiver

东方红论坛 › 口-新诗 › [原创]《牡丹开了》

蝴蝶蓝 发表于 2006-6-23 09:13:25

[原创]《牡丹开了》

<p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">《牡丹开了》</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"> <p></p></font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">牡丹开了，多久的故事</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">那城</span><font face="Times New Roman"> </font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">脚印重叠</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">多久远的故事啊</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">那一株</span><font face="Times New Roman"> </font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">在行吟吗？</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">花开花落</span><font face="Times New Roman"> </font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">多正常的事情</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">你走了</span><font face="Times New Roman"> </font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">花间独坐</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">多美的梦镜</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"> <p></p></font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">快点</span><font face="Times New Roman"> </font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">我就要等不及了</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">云雀</span><font face="Times New Roman"> </font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">飞的那样高</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">我在独坐</span><font face="Times New Roman"> </font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">看你</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">一点一点的远离</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">亲爱的</span><font face="Times New Roman"> </font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">你真的走了吗</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">多么不合时宜，想的都是徒劳</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">多想快乐些</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"> <p></p></font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">今夜牡丹开了</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">那是你的国度</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">一群小蜜蜂占据你的心</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">温暖吗？</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">我的</span><font face="Times New Roman"> </font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">从不敢这样想</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">这世界有你就好</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">艳丽的事物都属于你</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">这样是否会让你快乐些？</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"> <p></p></font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">多久才能够在肆意的花间开放</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">走失在每一朵花间</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">流连你孤寂的背影</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">多久啊</span><font face="Times New Roman"> </font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">这样的事情</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">我都不敢想象</span></p><p class="MsoDate" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt auto;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">2006/4/13</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"> <p></p></font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"></font></span></p><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"> <p></p></font></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"> <p></p></font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"> <p></p></font></span></p>

郭良子 发表于 2006-6-25 16:29:53

读，太行兄说的也有道理。<font face="Verdana" color="#61b713"><strong>蝴蝶蓝</strong><font color="#000000">的作品语言很流畅，有的句子感觉力度不够！问姐姐好！</font></font>

蝴蝶蓝 发表于 2006-6-29 10:38:40

<div class="quote"><b>以下是引用<i>感动太行</i>在2006-6-24 11:26:42的发言：</b><br/><p>先说毛病:诗歌的语言不是一种文字的游戏,简单的罗列,在你的作品中我们可以看出你语言的张力,但是,无论是从阅读上,还是在表述上流畅是你的障碍,读来有种生涩之感.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">快点</span><font face="Times New Roman"> </font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">我就要等不及了</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">云雀</span><font face="Times New Roman"> <span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">飞的那样高</span></font></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><font face="Times New Roman"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"></span></font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">我在独坐</span><font face="Times New Roman"> </font><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">看你</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">__"你在这个地方想表达的是什么呢,是一种自由还是一种依盼,我个人认为第一句可以省去不用,第二句三句如改成</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><font color="#ff0000">云雀高翔</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><font color="#ff0000">独坐,我在看你</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><font color="#ff0000">一点点远去</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><font color="#ff0000">一切都是徒劳</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><font color="#ff0000">在那些快乐的日子里</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><font color="#ff0000">疯长.</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><font color="#ff0000"></font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><font color="#000000">由于时间关系,我不在多说,一家之言,仅供参考!</font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><font color="#000000"></font></span></p></div><p>问好站长谢谢先生的点评这首诗歌是就着酒写的好多元素至尽我也很难说清算是一首情诗把在语言的把握上我一直在寻求你所说的流畅或者是意境上的流畅思想上的流畅但我并不限制自己的情绪希望你继续点评我的诗 </p>

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