[原创]短章三截请批！第2页口-新诗≡ 文学选稿区 ≡东方旅游文化网 - Powered by Discuz! Archiver

东方红论坛 › 口-新诗 › [原创]短章三截请批！

冷慰怀 发表于 2006-7-4 00:33:48

谢谢醉里灯，不必客气，大家互相学习。

魏紫发表于 2006-7-13 15:26:01

<p><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"></span> 问楼主好，无人肯批，偶来批一首：）<br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">久违的乳名</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt;"> <br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">从一封家书里突然惊醒</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt;"> <br/></span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt;"><font face="Times New Roman"> 这两句可谓经典，诗至此处，后一节则弱了。 <br/><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">岁月已经泛黄<br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">墨迹依然浓黑<br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">这两句少了新意，起码在语言上可以更为简明：<br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">岁月泛黄</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt;"> <br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">墨迹依然<br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">结句不错，与家书相应</span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">。</span></span></font><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 24pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"></p></span><p></p></span></p><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 24pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 24pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"></p><p></p><font face="宋体" size="3"></font><p><font face="宋体" size="3"></font></p>
[此贴子已经被作者于2006-7-13 15:46:06编辑过]

冷慰怀 发表于 2006-7-13 19:33:02

<div class="quote"><b>以下是引用<i>魏紫</i>在2006-7-13 15:26:01的发言：</b><br/><p><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"></span> 问楼主好，无人肯批，偶来批一首：）<br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">久违的乳名</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt;"> <br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">从一封家书里突然惊醒</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt;"> <br/></span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt;"><font face="Times New Roman"> 这两句可谓经典，诗至此处，后一节则弱了。 <br/><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">岁月已经泛黄<br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">墨迹依然浓黑<br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">这两句少了新意，起码在语言上可以更为简明：<br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">岁月泛黄</span><span lang="EN-US" style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt;"> <br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">墨迹依然<br/></span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">结句不错，与家书相应</span><span style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">。</span></span></font> <p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 24pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"></p></span><p></p></span></p><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 24pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 24pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 24pt; mso-char-indent-count: 2.0;"></p><p></p><font face="宋体" size="3"></font><p><font face="宋体" size="3"></font></p><br/></div><p></p><font size="4">谢谢魏紫花王的点拨，老冷记下了你的忠言！久未来看，一来就有收获。</font>

页: 1 [2]

查看完整版本: [原创]短章三截请批！