[原创]外甥的心事
<p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">禽流感闹得外甥的企业破了产</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">现在只赔不赚</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">每天得搭九百多元</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">前些天</span><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><font face="Times New Roman"> </font></span></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">他从老家来市里</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">想转一转</span><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><font face="Times New Roman"> </font></span></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">做什么样的生意可能赚钱</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"> <p></p></font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">一连几天</span><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><font face="Times New Roman"> </font></span></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">他顾不上吃午饭</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">前天下午四点</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">打电话给我</span><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><font face="Times New Roman"> </font></span></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">说先回家看看</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">商量一下</span><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><font face="Times New Roman"> </font></span></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">是开饭店</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">还是弄个文具店</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">实在不行</span><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><font face="Times New Roman"> </font></span></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">也许开个擦鞋店</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">总得想办法找点钱</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"> <p></p></font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">外甥说</span><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><font face="Times New Roman"> </font></span></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">女儿就要上一年级</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">开销的地方已不是一日三餐</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">再这样赔下去</span><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><font face="Times New Roman"> </font></span></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">以后的饥荒</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">都不知怎么还</span><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><font face="Times New Roman"> </font></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"> <p></p></font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">电话里</span><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><font face="Times New Roman"> </font></span></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">看不见外甥的脸</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">但无奈</span><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><font face="Times New Roman"> </font></span></span><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">一定离他的眼睛不远</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman"> <p></p></font></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span lang="EN-US"><font face="Times New Roman">2006-7-20</font></span></p> <p>谢谢琴语.我在某论坛看到一组直白的不能再直白,就像日常说话的贴子居然被加精.感觉很迷茫.说实话,我不认为那是诗.诗歌第一要有诗意,二要有歌的韵味.现在的诗也许是过渡时期吧.我在看过那组白话之后,写下了以上的那些话.请朋友们讨论.</p><p></p> 方才在中国诗歌论坛看了一组作品,有些迷茫.我也尝试一下.请朋友们谈自己的看法. <p>如莲的说法我赞同。“诗歌第一要有诗意,二要有歌的韵味.”。我认为，能够用直白的语言写诗的人，一定要有很强的驾驭语言的能力，才能在直白中赋予耐人寻味的意义。直白的语言不等于一杯白开水，要在表现的直白中，令人久久回味，这样的诗才是好诗。对吗？</p> <p>用叙述的方式写诗，也是当前很流行的一种方式。直白的语言运用的好，可以化腐朽为神奇，运用的不好，就流入俗套。有点难把握。不过，如莲的这一首关注社会关注人生，我个人觉得用这样的方式写还是比较好的。</p><p>请其他编辑们参与评论和评复。</p> 哈哈~~白白的直直的,不复杂,偶一下子就看懂咧.不错呢 <p><font size="2">只有平叙缺少起伏，是本诗的不足之处，如能于不动声色中揭示出人生的无奈或某种社会矛盾，则诗的张力自然会大大增加。好的白话诗有时候一节里面就有一个或多个冲突，情绪隐藏在暗处回环跌宕。此外末句的“……无奈 一定离他的眼睛不远”，“不远”的力度也显得太不够了！</font></p><p><font size="2">本人觉得此诗值得肯定的是，蕴涵诗意的直白文字，远远胜过朦胧过头的“天书”。</font></p>
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